Author: kate

Spiritual Awakening Doesn’t Exist

The Story

In a way I wasn’t really prepared to know my true nature. I had been in spiritual practice for nearly a decade and desperately seeking God. I would have done anything to find him. And I mean that. From the deepest core of my being, I wanted only to know the truth. I would have given up everything I had for the answer. I spent endless nights crying tirelessly on my floor to God asking Him to come to me. There was a lot of suffering in my life. Mental despair. I never had a physical ailment to cause me discomfort, but I was tortured. By my parent’s expectations, by my own confusion, by my own seeking.

From Kundalini Yoga, to meditation, prayer, Ernest Holmes, the Bible, Eckhart Tolle, Neal Donald Walsch and other new age teachers I wanted to find the answer to my deepest question “What is God?” I was heavily involved in energy work like automatic journaling, tarot, crystals, chakra clearings, channeling and Kundalini. The experiences were blissful … and temporary. I thought if I could make them last forever, if I could stay in a continual state of pleasure and gratitude, if I could maintain the right persona for long enough, then I would make it. God would reveal itself to me. Or maybe if I activate all my psychic powers then I would have it all? Maybe that’s what would do it?

The only way to find out what you are is to find out what you’re not. In September of 2015, I watched a video from Wayne Wirs (who left this planet two months ago, as I’m writing this). He suggested that every time a thought arises – to throw it out. He said that we were not our thoughts. I had heard this a thousand times. I really had. This was the oldest teaching in the book. But I watched that video and something in me heard what he had said. I mean, I REALLY HEARD IT.

And so, for about five days, a period of extreme bliss started. I was silenced inside. All I could do was spend the days alone, in remote places. Near waterfalls, lagoons, I went on hikes and there was just silence. I would look at people passing me on the street and I was crushed. There was no “I” and “Them”. I was really gone. There was only love. I don’t desire to describe this any further. There have been too many people describing experiences and attempting to convey this. This is not what I want to do. I want you to find this out for yourself. And you will.

So, what did this all mean? What was I going to do with it? The mind still asks these questions. But the only question that ever mattered had already been answered: “Who Am I”?

And so, from this unfathomable mystery I write this. These words are meant for those who genuinely seek to know who they are and those who, too, have already heard the call.

The Invitation

I invite you to stop. Just push pause. Stop trying to get something, to go somewhere, to change life, to change your suffering. Completely stop. As you read this, go beyond the meaning of these words. Go into their silence.

Stopping is contrary to society. It is contrary to even the movement of the earth and the growth of trees. But I’m asking you to stop. You’ll notice you won’t be able to stop your thoughts. I’m not asking you to stop your thoughts. Underneath those thoughts is an even greater energy, beliefs. Somewhere among those beliefs is one belief, from which all the others arise. The belief that “you” exist. I’m not going to give you that whole “you’re not really here” non dual BS. Clearly, you’re here. But who you think you are is blocking you from really being here. I’m not asking you to stop your thoughts, I’m asking you to be willing to stop the idea of a YOU. Of someone who lives in time.

Many teachers focus on the negation of thoughts and have the student focus exclusively on awareness. You’ve heard the word “awareness” and now this is supposedly what you are, and you have to get back there somehow. To being awareness. Through yoga, meditation, practicing presence or some other way. You won’t ever make it. You won’t get there, because you can’t get something that you are. Moreover, awareness is a word. What you are is not a word, or a name, or a series of traits. What you are is a total mystery. And this is why non-dual teachers refer to “nothingness” or “death”.

Waking up to this is not some phenomena that is happening only to those worthy of it. Waking up is the most ordinary experience. In fact, it’s so ordinary that it is completely missed. Moreover, waking up doesn’t really happen. What appears is a glimpse of what was, is and always will be here. From this seeing, a more authentic life is had. A life without filters. A life without stories or lies. In fact, once this is seen all else disappears and only life is left.

Life. In all it’s horror, surprise and beauty. Pleasure and pain, light and darkness, stillness and movement, love and hate. But again, these are just words. What is beyond discomfort and comfort, resistance and acceptance? What is here, just beneath the surface? What is it that’s doing the listening, the speaking, the looking? A complete and total mystery. And so the only option, really, is to stop. All of this is appearing from a complete mystery, from a completely unknown source. It is arising and falling back into itself, back into nothing. Everything is in a perpetual state of loss. Loss is our nature. This experience of “seeing” is completely about Loss. And so: as you stop, you are lost.

The Loss

Initially, this experience of the loss of oneself is a radical and confusing one. If you try to discuss it with friends and family, they most likely won’t get it. Moreover, there are many non-dual teachers who will try to help you make sense of what you’ve seen. After the initial bliss fades, listening to Satsang or non-duality will be pleasurable and will likely give the imagined “you” some sense of comfort, safety and validation. However, eventually, that which has been revealed through a complete act of grace, will want only for itself. This is typically an awkward period, when one will loose interest in people, environments, hobbies, work and maybe even food. In fact, Ramana Maharshi, one of the greatest non-dual teachers of all time was so awake that he was found in a cave being eaten by insects. Most interests will completely fade. One reasoning for this, is that the person or the body mechanism has spent so many years acquiring identity that it no longer desires for that which it has been identified by. One of Ramana’s greatest teachings is that once the object is seen as the subject, that relationship can no longer exist, for the seer and the seen are one. The collapse of the personal identity, is in and of itself a terrifying experience. The energy of the personal self will try to hold on as long as it can to itself, but a complete collapse is inevitable, for the experience of “seeing” , once begun, can only lead in one direction. Through time, the mind looses more and more of its energy and the space between thoughts becomes more and more. This phase can last for various periods of time, depending on how deeply rooted and conditioned the person is. The more the mind and body mechanism has to iron out, the longer the process takes to “register”. This is all a part of an experience and by this time, the energy knows itself well enough to continue through without hesitance. However, anything is possible and anything can happen so – just go with it!


What if you let it all in? Life. What if you let it crush you?

In awakening, the equalization of appearances occurs all at once.

As one begins the loss of personal identity, there cannot be any more filters. Nothing can be left out. In fact, all the neurosis and compulsion of the mind falls forward like a tsunami. It’s impossible to ignore and all things demand examination. In some cases, the mind will continue to attempt to “hash” out it’s activity and in other’s there will be a complete disinterest in the disentanglement. Just its pure happening There comes a point in which the personality might adjust, however this decentralization of conditioning cannot and will not make sense by or be understood by the mind. In a way, ones hands are tied.

Once the seeing occurs, the process which is undergone is completely up to the wiring of the unique mechanism in which the seeing has occurred. However, the destination is only one. Inevitably, the seeker falls away and what has been seen cannot be unseen. There is no longer ground under ones feet so to speak. One can no longer return to that which was.

Equalization refers to the loss of importance of one thing over another.

Life will have to let itself in. In this phenomena – you (or that which you think you are) cannot choose the boundaries. You do not exist and therefore neither do boundaries. Life will crush you.

All that is appearing is HERE and that which it is appearing in is so vast, so free and so still. The sensations, the sounds, the feelings are complete innocence. They are untouched by what you think about them, yet what you think about them is what they are. You and them are one in the same. The collapse of that which is looking simultaneously collapses that which is being looked at. The subject and object relationship no longer exists. There is just the seeing, just the hearing, just the one SELF. Ramana Maharshi does a terrific job describing this: “ I cannot show you God or enable you to see God because God is not an object that can be seen. God is the subject…The subject and object appear together and disappear together.”

What is being perceived and that which is perceiving is the one thing and the experience of this is partly dependent on the how strong one’s personal identity is.

The experience of the seeing is an act of complete grace. What I’m saying is that it is not a one-off deal, it is a process. Many seekers have an experience of oneness through grace, drugs, meditation etc, but this realization shakes the core of ones being. A true experience ensures one cannot and will not ever be the same again.

A genuine search for the Truth undoubtedly results in seeing as that which is WANTS to be seen. It is not hiding. God is not playing hide and seek with you. You are playing hide and seek in God, as God. Yet, you are obstructing the seeing. Until “you” fall away seeing cannot happen. And once it does, nothing will be left out any more. This is a process for those that are willing to loose it all. No exceptions.

Energy for August 2017 Eclipses

Many beings are still living in the world of duality. Duality is the appearance which is still the primary experience of beings. There is a great push of ones energy into the containment of ones identity and also the identity of what the future should look like. Many have yet to anchor and appreciate pure beingness. Surely, we must listen to that which makes our hearts sing, yet we must also be willing to recognize that the heart and song are already you! You already know who you are. This is an immediate knowingness. This is the part of us that doesn’t question or make choices – it is the part that already is the answer and the choice. Yet, none-the-less all experiences are here to show you the vast aspects of yourself and we are continually dissolving and recreating ourselves, never fixed or solid for too long.

Mastery or truth-seeing comes through inner knowing. Inner knowing comes through giving space for the integration of experience. Every journey and every experience helps the Self to release the lies of what one is not, by allowing outdated patterns and aspects to arise. Neither good or bad, these programs or patters, allow us to enter into the void or the unknown, which is the true power and true nature of our beingness. Like a parabola, the initiate can now move out of the journey changed and inwardly enriched through all of life. What seemingly felt like a pointless or painful experience, has now proven to be the movement of our being into greater, deeper and more authentic levels of presence. This is a time of integration – a deep period of going in and integrating experiences so that more authentic expressions can be embodied. This is the END or completion of a journey . When one feels the zest and energy towards a certain experience wanning, the lack of inspiration or disinterest signals closure or completion, fully allowing gone to shift inwardly onto the inner plane.

“Two roads diverged into one and I, I took the one less traveled”

Choices no longer truly appear, but rather we are now revealing more and more of our own inner truth and nature. This isn’t a period of going into the known or familiar, for as we shed the old lies, we are also shedding old skins and false identities. As we register our own truth, choosing happens automatically. Moving into the new hasn’t yet developed it’s blueprint, or a neuro-pathway, so it feels threatening and many fears come up to keep us in the safe and the familiar world that we know. But lies will only feel good for so long before our restlessness or discontent sets in again. It’s really important to understand that harsh situations and substances interfere with our navigational capacities. They drain an abhorrent amount of energy that is actually there to be channeled into psychic insights that come through our intuition and awareness, often clouded. The powerful and potent frequencies of the eclipse season are here to be channeled, directed and released. This process is natural and shouldn’t be tedious or given too much energy, this is a natural, instant, immediate movement of energy.

As humans, we’re learning to find fulfillment in and of oneself, but this can only truly happen through the recognition that all is one.

By continuing on the path of least resistance, we’re allowing inner knowing to strengthen and continue to guide us into our own inner truth, into our authenticity. Stories that arrive in “time” of memories or hopes are just illusions. We mustn’t be afraid to change through entry into uncharted territories.

Another prominent theme for these eclipses is family, soul family, community, friendship. Deep connection and communion serves us and the universe at large, deeply. We are being invited to connect in new ways with loved ones. As we release ourselves from our own stories and lies, we’re also able to do the same for others. A return into communion is a return to the unconditional love that we are in truth. As we migrate and are drawn toward back into family, we’re able to re-enforce what’s no longer working for us or in our relationships and we’re invited to let our loved ones out of the prison of stories that we’ve kept them in. Alternatively, we’re also coming together with loved ones on a newly solidified ground of strength and commitment to our true nature. Having built strong foundations through the experience of our true nature, we’ve come together to share our gifts of strength and true power. Knowing one’s true nature means knowing ones place in life and as we fully accept and embody this new position with honor and grace, we no longer have to be beggars. We’re living our own life on our own terms, without the need for approval or recognition which truly is an achievement worth noting.

Many masculine or father issues will also be arising at this time. This points to issues with control and authority. This is a time to give up the search for what is “right”. We no longer need calculated behaviors to define how we get love from others. Status and rank can only exist for those that are attempting to contain an image of perfection in order to fulfill themselves with a love that they already are in nature. For those who’ve had rocky relationships with father figures, or authority in general, they’ll will need to understand, through inner knowing, that in order to bring the masculine and feminine back into balance (balance in expression, for in truth, all has always been and will be in harmony), the present moment must be completely absorbed in one’s awareness. We will notice that the feminine, or the presence that is, was and always will be right HERE and NOW. In this we stop abusing ourselves for not being perfect or having it all figured out. We realize that it’s possible to have peace without having, doing, achieving the “right” version of reality. Here we must embrace our path, our experiences and how far we’ve truly come. Liberating ourselves from our stories, we understand that one can never truly “make it”. “Making it” only happens in the comparison with others. But we are one. Setting one image up against another is frankly outdated, abusive and corrodes the possibility of experiencing ones truth, that one already is and always will be EVERYTHING that is happening. Comparison only happens in dreamland. It can only happen when the present moment is not recognized in the truth of what it is. When all is seen as who you are, there cannot be anymore comparison.

The eclipses invite us into a commitment to that which is most authentic and true for us. This is the end of lies. Are we ready to be just as we are? Here the control dissolves, no longer attempting or even able to hold onto the image of a lie.


That which you are is so vast and free and infinite. But there is no “You”. There is just this innocence, just awakeness.

In this boundless space all appears. The body, the thoughts, the program, the sounds, the colors, the feelings. These are appearing and disappearing out of and into itself.

Who are you?

Virtually, this is the most profound inquiry, yet one that can’t be answered by that which is asking the question.

You can’t wake yourself up to the true nature of things, it’s so immediate and so close. It’s RIGHT HERE. HERE. HERE. HERE. But you can’t wake up to it, because what you think you are is itself as just a thought.

You don’t need to go anywhere, do anything, chant a mantra, pray or spend years in solitude to wake up. These things are just arising and falling in that which you are which is a  vast awakeness.

There is no controller in this recognition. YOU don’t choose, YOU don’t make decisions or live 100 years. This is a lie. What you think you are is a dream happening in the dreamer. This dreamer is everything in the dream, the dreamer is the true experiencer of everything that is appearing in the dream which it is. The dreamer has no beginning, middle or end. It is immediate. It is right HERE. It is closer than close. It is your very nature.

When the energy that thinks it exists begins the collapse back into it’s true nature, it might still hang on to itself not fully willing to ‘die away’ or dissolve. It’s not really interested in completely letting go. In true awakeness, that which you think you are will still appear and disappear in order to function and fulfill it’s tasks of pain or pleasure, however that self is not identified any longer. It can’t be. If it were awake and identified, it would be drawn to living a lie, but that’s impossible. In this realization there cannot be anymore lies. There’s no barriers of inside or outside. You are not safe here. You are transparent. There aren’t any boundaries of where you begin and where you end.

This is not referring to conditioning, habits, societal programming. Those are also just functions and within the realization it’s possible that those functions lessen, but that which is being pointed to has nothing to do with the functions of things, with the movement between pleasure or pain. It has nothing to do with this. Self help and spirituality are a good resource for improving this conditioning, but not this closeness or immediacy of truth. That is, was and forever will be untouched. Here, in this space, there is only that which is happening, which doesn’t end or begin and is beyond that which appears or collapses.

This won’t and shouldn’t make sense to that which is searching, this can only be read and made true upon the experience of one’s true nature. And it’s right here, closer than the breath.

I Am

Once the truth of who you are is seen – the stories won’t work anymore. Nothing can remain hidden by them. Life becomes unfiltered. Who you think you are doesn’t want the truth. It doesn’t truly want to wake up. It’s addicted to another moment, to a place that’s better than right here. It’s addicted to getting another day of seeking. It’s addicted to tomorrow, to time. The separateness uses “out there” to fill it’s dream. It uses time to find a sense of completion in order to validate it’s dream. It uses people, places, experiences and ideas to solidify it’s unsolid sense of self. Where are you? Can you find yourself? You aren’t really here. You’re appearing as a thought. There’s only life happening, there’s only this. The dream desires the house, the family, the money, the success. And the search can be really beautiful and pleasurable. A sobering truth is being referenced. Who you think you are is just a thought appearing in time. Life dreamt you up.

Upon the seeing of one’s true nature, there is no escape from what’s truly happening – which is an infinite void of space arising in form. This is a love affair. It might be bloody, depressed, angry, it’s likely playing out a strong conditioning, but eventually it will have to face the bottomless pit  of the unknown. Either here and now or in physical death.

This death is what’s being avoided in the non-recognition of true self, this avoidance of a continual death into the unknown. Thoughts and identification isn’t interested in the unknown, it’s interested in getting what it wants. This is a functioning of a mechanism. As you notice it, you will notice it’s happening on its own. Within this mechanism’s wiring, seeking appears and attempts to validate it’s existence. It’s not really after the truth, it’s after a road map towards acquiring feelings that it believes will make it whole.

Wholeness is the result of the recognition of your non-existence. IT is an energetic shift into the unknown. In this mechanism the “I” is an experience of claiming appearances. “I” recognizes phenomena and form and attributes the movement of consciousness into thoughts and energetic sensations “I am_________enlightened…………..more at peace………etc. IT pulls all of life into a focal point to cling to it’s sense of existence.

You’re not really here.. You’re not the looking, the seeing, the hearing and the speaking. Those appearances are happening on their own and completely unbound and independent of “I”. There is only life here. “I” fills the unknown, the emptiness with itself in order to experience itself.

If you’re merely hearing these words and mentally understanding them, you run the risk of passivity. Yet, the actual seeing of this, is much more than the end of seeking, it’s the death of you and the death of “other”. It is a complete energetic collapse.

You don’t get here to this realization, because there was only ever this. A “you” “getting” “it” would imply a subject and object relationship, which only appears in the dream.

The Getting

There’s nothing more addictive than the chase…the getting. Yet, there’s never any real satisfaction in it. Getting the approval, fulfilling the desire, moving into the perfect house, finding the spouse. What is it that is seeking? What is it that is suffering? There are plenty of schools of thought focused on the getting. How to make it. How to be a better person. How to manifest a million dollars. How to reach enlightenment. How to fix the disorder. How to improve the feelings. An endless sea of getting.

That which is interested in the truth, will get nothing. NO-THING. If you are asking about the truth, fear not – you will have the answer. However, the answer may not necessarily be what you bargained for. The answer is the taking off of the filter. This has nothing to do with “psychic powers” or “making it”. No. This is groundless, infinite emptiness. Yet, these are just descriptive words. What will reveal itself to you has no beginning or end, no top or bottom, it is neither horizontal or linear, black or white. It is not a feeling, a thought, or even an experience. Experience and everything else is appearing in it.

If you’re interested in “how to heal yourself”, “how to develop psychic powers”, “how to feel more positive emotions”, “how to find your life purpose” – this blog is not for you. You will not find those answers here. What I attempt to point you towards is a self-inquiry into what you truly are. The very truth, the very essence of your being. I attempt to try and point you towards something that was here and will be here after and before everything. It is formless, yet it is form. Why does this matter? The truth, your very being, seems to be a matter of interest if you ask me. It matters in so much as this self inquiry may ultimately guide you into a place without seeking, into a knowing of your very essence. This is worth the inquiry if one is interested in their true nature.

This inquiry is a pulverization of reality. You cannot arrive here without burning away. Yet, that which hears this and wants that which it believes is enlightenment isn’t really interested in enlightenment. It’s interested in having another day of seeking. Just stop. Stop. See what’s really here. Underneath THIS. Just see it. Right here. HERE. HERE. HERE. Look beneath the words, the concepts, the feelings. Just stop and look. That’s all it takes.

Who is Doing The Looking?

Non duality is not saying to be something, to not be something, to take action or not to, to make yourself feel better or not to. Non duality is not a recipe to improve your life. However, it may feel better to experience the recognition of what is, at the heart of the matter, being experienced or truly happening.

Non duality points to no filter. It points to absolute authenticity. It is the loss of an energy that is containing an “I”. The dropping away of the illusion that you exist, is a confrontation with a groundless, boundless, limitless presence. Yet, these are still just words that were constructed with language and concepts, underneath the reading and brain processes is a space in which this is all appearing. Yet, “you” could never recognize or see this, because there was never anybody there that could see it. You cannot look at it, because you are that which is doing the looking.

The object cannot exist without the subject, because the object is contained within the subject. To be seen, there must be something in which this seeing happens through. This is why you cannot find yourself, because you are that which is looking at yourself. To try to look for yourself, the divine, or God or whatever, is to experience the arising of thought.

There never was a you. You were never here. There was only ever a spontaneous expression of all of life.

Spiritual teachings around the law of attraction and oneness and self help are great! They will likely give you tools in which the body and mind can relax. This is a positive thing. However, for that which is interested in encountering the truth, you will find nothing here. IT will be completely boundless and mysterious, absolute uncertainty and total unknowing. This isn’t for everyone. Non duality is in fact an invitation into a death. But the mind says “Oh no, death is a terrible negative thing.” What this simple invitation is saying is that underneath your fear of death and of needing life to appear a certain way, there is an intimacy, a knowing, a dissolution that is more truer and more alive than any attempt at pleasure or gratification, or desperation for another day to keep seeking.

This invitation is not asking you to be or not to be anything. This invitation is the whisper of your true nature. That which is inviting you into it, is already here. It’’s right here. It’s THIS. THIS. THIS.


I can’t sell you the idea of awakening. I can’t give you a recipe to feel better, to become a better person. I can’t satisfy your dream.

Spirituality will tell you who you are, how to release trauma, how to raise your kundalini, it will sell you on the idea of life purpose, on some explanation of co-creation, on the idea that there is a God and a you, and that you have to do something to feel and experience love. It will tell you that love exists. It will tell you that you can vibrate in positive frequencies, and manifest more joy and more peace and that you have free will to choose whether your life goes this way or that way.

I can’t give you this story. I can’t sell you that lie.

Who are you?

That which wants the answer to this question cannot ever answer it. Because that which is seeking the answer is merely a thought.

Last night at dinner a man said to me that there would be no point in being identified as emptiness, as space. He said, “Where’s the fun in that?”

What’s being spoken about on this blog is not a thought about what emptiness looks and feels like. What’s being pointed to has nothing to do with that which believes itself to have free will. That which is being pointed to is choiceless. It does not choose. It is the choice itself.

That which is being pointed to is not that which is compartmentalizing and conceptualizing the meaning of these words, it is the awakeness being the brain activity.

If you were to sit in a pitch black room, thoughts would arise. And you might feel a presence. What is this presence. Where is it in the dark room?

You are not looking through your eyes, you are the looking. You are not creating thoughts – you are that in which thoughts are appearing, you are not feeling cold, you are the cold, you are not feeling anger, you are the anger. You are everything.

I can’t make that sink in. I can’t give you a prayer, a visualization or affirmation or recipe to wake up to this realization.

I can merely ask you “Who are you?” I can’t do more than that.

Chasing Dreams

Where is it that we’re trying to get to? Where is this imagined destination of a better future? Essentially, there is no you, there is no where to get to. However, the human’s goals, dreams and desires do appear. Giving the appearance of a seperate self, that has free will and is on it’s way to executing an imagined life of what it believes will bring it peace, joy and love.

How can anything bring you home to what you already are? None-the less, we are not all embodying these qualities and feel so distant from them, that they seem ethereal or unattainable. So here we are, most of society, looking in relationships, material possessions, fame, success and money to try and feel the liberation that is available to us right here and right now.

This isn’t saying don’t be a human and don’t express the human things. This is quite simply a gentle reminder that you won’t ever make it to peace, joy and love in time, because peace, love and joy is in the eternal presence of what you are in every moment. This is either heard or it isn’t. I can’t make that sink in – it either does, or it doesn’t.

The purpose of life is to exist. But I’m not saying be an apathetic blob, with no emotions pacifying your humanness with the thoughts “I’m not really here”. Hell no! I’m saying that true liberation is being just as you are in every moment. If you’re angry. Get really angry. If you’re in love, feel the freedom in that – be fully in love. This is about a life with no filter. This is about a life that’s happening full on! This is about complete and total unification. This is about the absolute. This is about every single moment being exactly what it is. The majority of humans reject this moment, and they completely miss the aliveness in it. This moment is constantly changing, it’s always on it’s way out. You can’t hold on to it. Everything is just passing through. These are visitors in the house of the infinite. These are just moments passing on through the infinite I amness.

Of course the human want’s to give life meaning. Weddings, deaths, births, birthday’s and achievements like graduation or the moving on to the next phase of life dominate our imagination. These life events take on a personification and a strong story and sense of self gets attracted to it. We get lost in the thick plots of life and this moment gets bulldozed over, it gets completely forgotten. And the whole time what one was seeking for was right here HERE HERE HERE!!!

What a strange life it is 😉

Life Is Impersonal

Life is impersonal. The choices others make and the way you feel about them has nothing to do with what is right and what is wrong. Everything that is happening, no matter how unpleasant it appears, appears in freedom. It has no preference for your desire of whether or not it should appear. The law of attraction won’t save you from feeling life. Horrible things might happen to you. There may be extreme injustice in your life, betrayal, overwhelming fear, disgust and grief. These painful feelings will manifest in physical sensations, tightness, pain, bloating, shakiness. This is undoubtedly an unpleasant experience.

You have no control over these reactions. Most people will read that and want to disagree. I don’t blame you. Feeling like you can avoid pain is a good feeling. To suppress and deny pain is to deny life it’s freedom. The personal self will claim this energy of pain and believe that it had a choice in how it appeared or manifested. Others will take offense to your pain. They will wish you were more understanding and spiritual. They won’t want to be with your painful emotions, because they can’t stand their own. Their story of what they believe will keep them safe, deserving, supported and loved will dictate how they react to your behaviors.

Here’s the truth: you will feel terrible things in this life. You will also feel extraordinary things. Don’t take these feelings for granted. Be with them. Fall in love with them. Go into them with extreme intimacy. You will be tempted to suppress, justify, ignore and run from this pain. Dance with it. Let it move through you however it needs to.

Last night after an extreme emotional disturbance, I put on a show on Netflix called the Wild Arctic. The documentary followed multiple animal species throughout the arctic as they adapted to the coming of Spring. There was a wild arctic caterpillar that lives for 14 years. It freezes after the short spring, and every winter it dies. Once it reaches 14 years of age it creates a cocoon and transforms into a moth. This is it’s cycle. It has to die and it did not choose these brutal conditions that life gave it and to which it must bow to. It adapts, unifies and becomes them. There were also walrus seals. The two most powerful males enter into a drastic courtship, fighting a brutal and bloody war to retain dominance. This is impersonal. Their violence is for the proliferation of a superior gene in the propagation of the species. My favorite part of this show was the penguins. They prepare for spring by building nests with loose pebbles. One penguin was so hardworking. She would bring these heavy rocks and create her beautiful nest, but a thief was lurking near by. This thief penguin would wait until she left the nest that the hardworking penguin was building and would steal her rocks for his own nest. The hard worker penguin knew something was up and eventually caught the thief red handed and the two squabbled and life moved on.

Life is impersonal. It is instinctual, spontaneous it does what it needs to do and it feels what it needs to feel whether you like it or not. You do not have a choice here. In a way you can choose to let life in, or you can shut it down. But this choice can only appear once you recognize the truth of what’s really, at the heart of the matter happening. Either way it doesn’t matter. You are just a thought and what’s happening is happening to itself, for itself and by itself in total and utter love. The feelings are moving. They’re on their way out to make room for other feelings. But this is the human experience. Don’t miss a moment of it’s beauty.