Author: kate

Closeness

That which you are is so vast and free and infinite. But there is no “You”. There is just this innocence, just awakeness.

In this boundless space all appears. The body, the thoughts, the program, the sounds, the colors, the feelings. These are appearing and disappearing out of and into itself.

Who are you?

Virtually, this is the most profound inquiry, yet one that can’t be answered by that which is asking the question.

You can’t wake yourself up to the true nature of things, it’s so immediate and so close. It’s RIGHT HERE. HERE. HERE. HERE. But you can’t wake up to it, because what you think you are is itself as just a thought.

You don’t need to go anywhere, do anything, chant a mantra, pray or spend years in solitude to wake up. These things are just arising and falling in that which you are which is a  vast awakeness.

There is no controller in this recognition. YOU don’t choose, YOU don’t make decisions or live 100 years. This is a lie. What you think you are is a dream happening in the dreamer. This dreamer is everything in the dream, the dreamer is the true experiencer of everything that is appearing in the dream which it is. The dreamer has no beginning, middle or end. It is immediate. It is right HERE. It is closer than close. It is your very nature.

When the energy that thinks it exists begins the collapse back into it’s true nature, it might still hang on to itself not fully willing to ‘die away’ or dissolve. It’s not really interested in completely letting go. In true awakeness, that which you think you are will still appear and disappear in order to function and fulfill it’s tasks of pain or pleasure, however that self is not identified any longer. It can’t be. If it were awake and identified, it would be drawn to living a lie, but that’s impossible. In this realization there cannot be anymore lies. There’s no barriers of inside or outside. You are not safe here. You are transparent. There aren’t any boundaries of where you begin and where you end.

This is not referring to conditioning, habits, societal programming. Those are also just functions and within the realization it’s possible that those functions lessen, but that which is being pointed to has nothing to do with the functions of things, with the movement between pleasure or pain. It has nothing to do with this. Self help and spirituality are a good resource for improving this conditioning, but not this closeness or immediacy of truth. That is, was and forever will be untouched. Here, in this space, there is only that which is happening, which doesn’t end or begin and is beyond that which appears or collapses.

This won’t and shouldn’t make sense to that which is searching, this can only be read and made true upon the experience of one’s true nature. And it’s right here, closer than the breath.

I Am

Once the truth of who you are is seen – the stories won’t work anymore. Nothing can remain hidden by them. Life becomes unfiltered. Who you think you are doesn’t want the truth. It doesn’t truly want to wake up. It’s addicted to another moment, to a place that’s better than right here. It’s addicted to getting another day of seeking. It’s addicted to tomorrow, to time. The separateness uses “out there” to fill it’s dream. It uses time to find a sense of completion in order to validate it’s dream. It uses people, places, experiences and ideas to solidify it’s unsolid sense of self. Where are you? Can you find yourself? You aren’t really here. You’re appearing as a thought. There’s only life happening, there’s only this. The dream desires the house, the family, the money, the success. And the search can be really beautiful and pleasurable. A sobering truth is being referenced. Who you think you are is just a thought appearing in time. Life dreamt you up.

Upon the seeing of one’s true nature, there is no escape from what’s truly happening – which is an infinite void of space arising in form. This is a love affair. It might be bloody, depressed, angry, it’s likely playing out a strong conditioning, but eventually it will have to face the bottomless pit  of the unknown. Either here and now or in physical death.

This death is what’s being avoided in the non-recognition of true self, this avoidance of a continual death into the unknown. Thoughts and identification isn’t interested in the unknown, it’s interested in getting what it wants. This is a functioning of a mechanism. As you notice it, you will notice it’s happening on its own. Within this mechanism’s wiring, seeking appears and attempts to validate it’s existence. It’s not really after the truth, it’s after a road map towards acquiring feelings that it believes will make it whole.

Wholeness is the result of the recognition of your non-existence. IT is an energetic shift into the unknown. In this mechanism the “I” is an experience of claiming appearances. “I” recognizes phenomena and form and attributes the movement of consciousness into thoughts and energetic sensations “I am_________enlightened…………..more at peace………etc. IT pulls all of life into a focal point to cling to it’s sense of existence.

You’re not really here.. You’re not the looking, the seeing, the hearing and the speaking. Those appearances are happening on their own and completely unbound and independent of “I”. There is only life here. “I” fills the unknown, the emptiness with itself in order to experience itself.

If you’re merely hearing these words and mentally understanding them, you run the risk of passivity. Yet, the actual seeing of this, is much more than the end of seeking, it’s the death of you and the death of “other”. It is a complete energetic collapse.

You don’t get here to this realization, because there was only ever this. A “you” “getting” “it” would imply a subject and object relationship, which only appears in the dream.

The Getting

There’s nothing more addictive than the chase…the getting. Yet, there’s never any real satisfaction in it. Getting the approval, fulfilling the desire, moving into the perfect house, finding the spouse. What is it that is seeking? What is it that is suffering? There are plenty of schools of thought focused on the getting. How to make it. How to be a better person. How to manifest a million dollars. How to reach enlightenment. How to fix the disorder. How to improve the feelings. An endless sea of getting.

That which is interested in the truth, will get nothing. NO-THING. If you are asking about the truth, fear not – you will have the answer. However, the answer may not necessarily be what you bargained for. The answer is the taking off of the filter. This has nothing to do with “psychic powers” or “making it”. No. This is groundless, infinite emptiness. Yet, these are just descriptive words. What will reveal itself to you has no beginning or end, no top or bottom, it is neither horizontal or linear, black or white. It is not a feeling, a thought, or even an experience. Experience and everything else is appearing in it.

If you’re interested in “how to heal yourself”, “how to develop psychic powers”, “how to feel more positive emotions”, “how to find your life purpose” – this blog is not for you. You will not find those answers here. What I attempt to point you towards is a self-inquiry into what you truly are. The very truth, the very essence of your being. I attempt to try and point you towards something that was here and will be here after and before everything. It is formless, yet it is form. Why does this matter? The truth, your very being, seems to be a matter of interest if you ask me. It matters in so much as this self inquiry may ultimately guide you into a place without seeking, into a knowing of your very essence. This is worth the inquiry if one is interested in their true nature.

This inquiry is a pulverization of reality. You cannot arrive here without burning away. Yet, that which hears this and wants that which it believes is enlightenment isn’t really interested in enlightenment. It’s interested in having another day of seeking. Just stop. Stop. See what’s really here. Underneath THIS. Just see it. Right here. HERE. HERE. HERE. Look beneath the words, the concepts, the feelings. Just stop and look. That’s all it takes.

Who is Doing The Looking?

Non duality is not saying to be something, to not be something, to take action or not to, to make yourself feel better or not to. Non duality is not a recipe to improve your life. However, it may feel better to experience the recognition of what is, at the heart of the matter, being experienced or truly happening.

Non duality points to no filter. It points to absolute authenticity. It is the loss of an energy that is containing an “I”. The dropping away of the illusion that you exist, is a confrontation with a groundless, boundless, limitless presence. Yet, these are still just words that were constructed with language and concepts, underneath the reading and brain processes is a space in which this is all appearing. Yet, “you” could never recognize or see this, because there was never anybody there that could see it. You cannot look at it, because you are that which is doing the looking.

The object cannot exist without the subject, because the object is contained within the subject. To be seen, there must be something in which this seeing happens through. This is why you cannot find yourself, because you are that which is looking at yourself. To try to look for yourself, the divine, or God or whatever, is to experience the arising of thought.

There never was a you. You were never here. There was only ever a spontaneous expression of all of life.

Spiritual teachings around the law of attraction and oneness and self help are great! They will likely give you tools in which the body and mind can relax. This is a positive thing. However, for that which is interested in encountering the truth, you will find nothing here. IT will be completely boundless and mysterious, absolute uncertainty and total unknowing. This isn’t for everyone. Non duality is in fact an invitation into a death. But the mind says “Oh no, death is a terrible negative thing.” What this simple invitation is saying is that underneath your fear of death and of needing life to appear a certain way, there is an intimacy, a knowing, a dissolution that is more truer and more alive than any attempt at pleasure or gratification, or desperation for another day to keep seeking.

This invitation is not asking you to be or not to be anything. This invitation is the whisper of your true nature. That which is inviting you into it, is already here. It’’s right here. It’s THIS. THIS. THIS.

Whooooo?

I can’t sell you the idea of awakening. I can’t give you a recipe to feel better, to become a better person. I can’t satisfy your dream.

Spirituality will tell you who you are, how to release trauma, how to raise your kundalini, it will sell you on the idea of life purpose, on some explanation of co-creation, on the idea that there is a God and a you, and that you have to do something to feel and experience love. It will tell you that love exists. It will tell you that you can vibrate in positive frequencies, and manifest more joy and more peace and that you have free will to choose whether your life goes this way or that way.

I can’t give you this story. I can’t sell you that lie.

Who are you?

That which wants the answer to this question cannot ever answer it. Because that which is seeking the answer is merely a thought.

Last night at dinner a man said to me that there would be no point in being identified as emptiness, as space. He said, “Where’s the fun in that?”

What’s being spoken about on this blog is not a thought about what emptiness looks and feels like. What’s being pointed to has nothing to do with that which believes itself to have free will. That which is being pointed to is choiceless. It does not choose. It is the choice itself.

That which is being pointed to is not that which is compartmentalizing and conceptualizing the meaning of these words, it is the awakeness being the brain activity.

If you were to sit in a pitch black room, thoughts would arise. And you might feel a presence. What is this presence. Where is it in the dark room?

You are not looking through your eyes, you are the looking. You are not creating thoughts – you are that in which thoughts are appearing, you are not feeling cold, you are the cold, you are not feeling anger, you are the anger. You are everything.

I can’t make that sink in. I can’t give you a prayer, a visualization or affirmation or recipe to wake up to this realization.

I can merely ask you “Who are you?” I can’t do more than that.

Chasing Dreams

Where is it that we’re trying to get to? Where is this imagined destination of a better future? Essentially, there is no you, there is no where to get to. However, the human’s goals, dreams and desires do appear. Giving the appearance of a seperate self, that has free will and is on it’s way to executing an imagined life of what it believes will bring it peace, joy and love.

How can anything bring you home to what you already are? None-the less, we are not all embodying these qualities and feel so distant from them, that they seem ethereal or unattainable. So here we are, most of society, looking in relationships, material possessions, fame, success and money to try and feel the liberation that is available to us right here and right now.

This isn’t saying don’t be a human and don’t express the human things. This is quite simply a gentle reminder that you won’t ever make it to peace, joy and love in time, because peace, love and joy is in the eternal presence of what you are in every moment. This is either heard or it isn’t. I can’t make that sink in – it either does, or it doesn’t.

The purpose of life is to exist. But I’m not saying be an apathetic blob, with no emotions pacifying your humanness with the thoughts “I’m not really here”. Hell no! I’m saying that true liberation is being just as you are in every moment. If you’re angry. Get really angry. If you’re in love, feel the freedom in that – be fully in love. This is about a life with no filter. This is about a life that’s happening full on! This is about complete and total unification. This is about the absolute. This is about every single moment being exactly what it is. The majority of humans reject this moment, and they completely miss the aliveness in it. This moment is constantly changing, it’s always on it’s way out. You can’t hold on to it. Everything is just passing through. These are visitors in the house of the infinite. These are just moments passing on through the infinite I amness.

Of course the human want’s to give life meaning. Weddings, deaths, births, birthday’s and achievements like graduation or the moving on to the next phase of life dominate our imagination. These life events take on a personification and a strong story and sense of self gets attracted to it. We get lost in the thick plots of life and this moment gets bulldozed over, it gets completely forgotten. And the whole time what one was seeking for was right here HERE HERE HERE!!!

What a strange life it is 😉

Life Is Impersonal

Life is impersonal. The choices others make and the way you feel about them has nothing to do with what is right and what is wrong. Everything that is happening, no matter how unpleasant it appears, appears in freedom. It has no preference for your desire of whether or not it should appear. The law of attraction won’t save you from feeling life. Horrible things might happen to you. There may be extreme injustice in your life, betrayal, overwhelming fear, disgust and grief. These painful feelings will manifest in physical sensations, tightness, pain, bloating, shakiness. This is undoubtedly an unpleasant experience.

You have no control over these reactions. Most people will read that and want to disagree. I don’t blame you. Feeling like you can avoid pain is a good feeling. To suppress and deny pain is to deny life it’s freedom. The personal self will claim this energy of pain and believe that it had a choice in how it appeared or manifested. Others will take offense to your pain. They will wish you were more understanding and spiritual. They won’t want to be with your painful emotions, because they can’t stand their own. Their story of what they believe will keep them safe, deserving, supported and loved will dictate how they react to your behaviors.

Here’s the truth: you will feel terrible things in this life. You will also feel extraordinary things. Don’t take these feelings for granted. Be with them. Fall in love with them. Go into them with extreme intimacy. You will be tempted to suppress, justify, ignore and run from this pain. Dance with it. Let it move through you however it needs to.

Last night after an extreme emotional disturbance, I put on a show on Netflix called the Wild Arctic. The documentary followed multiple animal species throughout the arctic as they adapted to the coming of Spring. There was a wild arctic caterpillar that lives for 14 years. It freezes after the short spring, and every winter it dies. Once it reaches 14 years of age it creates a cocoon and transforms into a moth. This is it’s cycle. It has to die and it did not choose these brutal conditions that life gave it and to which it must bow to. It adapts, unifies and becomes them. There were also walrus seals. The two most powerful males enter into a drastic courtship, fighting a brutal and bloody war to retain dominance. This is impersonal. Their violence is for the proliferation of a superior gene in the propagation of the species. My favorite part of this show was the penguins. They prepare for spring by building nests with loose pebbles. One penguin was so hardworking. She would bring these heavy rocks and create her beautiful nest, but a thief was lurking near by. This thief penguin would wait until she left the nest that the hardworking penguin was building and would steal her rocks for his own nest. The hard worker penguin knew something was up and eventually caught the thief red handed and the two squabbled and life moved on.

Life is impersonal. It is instinctual, spontaneous it does what it needs to do and it feels what it needs to feel whether you like it or not. You do not have a choice here. In a way you can choose to let life in, or you can shut it down. But this choice can only appear once you recognize the truth of what’s really, at the heart of the matter happening. Either way it doesn’t matter. You are just a thought and what’s happening is happening to itself, for itself and by itself in total and utter love. The feelings are moving. They’re on their way out to make room for other feelings. But this is the human experience. Don’t miss a moment of it’s beauty.

Death

I’ve chosen to express a few pieces of writing about presence and compassion lately. However, I’d like to break down the spirituality in this allusion that we can become compassionate.

Who is it that wants the compassion?

Who is it that’s afraid to die?

Ultimately, everything that is sought by the seeker is so that the seeker can avoid it’s own death. It asks questions about how it can get to its imagined destination of compassion, peace and love, yet the answer won’t solve the problem of the questioner. The reason the seeker is seeking at all is only ever because it doesn’t want to die. Yet, that’s not the answer. It’s that “you” don’t want to cease existing in time. That is the real fear. You are not afraid to die, you are afraid of time. You are afraid of not having a tomorrow in order to continue the search for compassion, or money or love or whatever.

A collapse of the seeker is the eradication of the subject and the object relationship. There cannot be desire, if it is seen that the subject and the object are one. When that which is inside is still seen as seperate from that which is outside, the desire to acquire the object will still pervade the experience. There must be a seer for an object to be seen. In death, it is clear that the true nature is both the seer and the seen. Many non-dual teachers give the example of dreaming: The subject and object collapse when one is asleep and there is just the seeing happening.

It is so romantic to imagine that we can create peace, compassion and love in our lives. It is such a perfect story. It feels so good to tell that lie. But this post is pointing to beyond that which wants this story of hope for a better future. This is pointing to NOW, NOW, NOW. Spirituality feeds these stories to the seeker, giving that energy a false hope and a false sense of what it is. But the void in which this is happening, is motionless, empty, watching in complete and total stillness. This is so extremely beautiful. This is total innocence!

The seeking energy wants to avoid death at all costs. That is why it doesn’t know its true nature.

Spiritual Wake Up Call

It’s Impossible To Be “In the Moment”. The moment is everything that’s happening.

So many new age teachers teach about being present. This misconstrued teaching results in a misunderstanding of what the moment is. Most importantly, it falsely assumes that there is the possibility of non-presence.

Who is being present? Who are you?

We believe that when we pay attention, listen intently to another person, meditate and alleviate or slow down our thoughts, then we’re being present and thus capable of enjoying life.

This is the greatest trap, a complete illusion.

Nothing you “do” can ever bring you to what you already are, which is complete and total stillness: presence. How could you possibly “get to” the present moment if the present moment is all there is.

If that moment looks like thought, or agony or distraction, then that’s what’s happening.

If you associate being in the moment, or being present, with the non existence of your own humanness, you do not know who you are.

This flood of spirituality has given rise to so many misleading teachings. As someone who spent years following them, I can tell you that they will give you a sense of being able to control and improve life. They will give you seeming tools to acquire more abundance, love and joy. But this will lead you down a dark hole eventually. You will begin to think that you have to be someone or do something to “awaken your true nature”. THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE.

Your true nature is everything. It’s everything that’s happening. It’s the fly on the wall, the feeling of dread when you realize there’s a huge wait at the grocery store, or a major disagreement between you and your partner, or the cup of tea that spilled all over the floor this morning.

Here’s the wake up call: you are everything that is happening. You are all of life. This isn’t about getting to a better destination or making shit happen. This is about completely dissolving the energy that thinks it exists. This cannot be done with thought, this is beyond thought You can’t wake up, because you don’t exist. All of life is responsible for knowing itself, its true nature. This is either seen or heard, or it’s not. It makes no difference if it is seen or heard to all of life, which is what you are. Only that which believes itself to be seperate will want the validation of it’s “divinity”. Divinity doesn’t exist. To claim something is spiritual, divine or blessed is to claim that something is not. This is dual. This is a misunderstanding.

Chasing enlightenment is like chasing the sunlight. You can’t have it. It just is.

Humans

humanityHumans are conditioned out of this moment, out of the truth of what is. What is doesn’t change because of this conditioning. What is, is still, unmoving, empty.

Mostly everything that humans do, they do it to avoid facing this moment just as it is: simple, ordinary. It has to be sensationalized to be validated as life. It has to be exciting and positive. They don’t want the discomfort that’s appearing. They do everything in their power to avoid or run away from what’s happening. To run away from the stories, to run away from themselves. This energy consumes everything it can to complete the despondence that appears, not realizing that the discontent is a result of the non-recognition of the emptiness, the true nature of all forms, including its very self.

Every story that’s playing itself out right now is there, because it doesn’t want to face it’s own non-existence. It’s own dream. It will go to the movies and mentally get off on imagining it can get to somewhere better, richer, more beautiful, more peaceful, more fulfilling. It can’t. It never will. The homecoming is in the anger, in the pain, in the destruction, in the poverty, in the disease, in the imbalance and disconnects, in the boredom. The spiritual community is the biggest lie, propagating the saddest illusion: that there’s somewhere better than this. There isn’t – there’s just this. THIS. THIS. THIS. This moment. The light, the thoughts, the feelings, the sounds, the sensations are happening simultaneously to themselves and by themselves. Awareness is what is reading these words. Awareness chose to turn the computer on and awareness chose to see this message. Consciousness. Awakeness.

You can’t pray yourself into a better reality. If there is pain, suffering, sadness, the energy resisting it is the reason you are suffering. If you believe you can take your sadness away, you’re misunderstanding the intimacy, the beauty and the freedom of what is being written about. You might experience more pleasure from affirmative thinking, prayer and physical comforts like yoga, health food and sex. You might achieve satisfaction by making a majestic career, gaining a following of admirers, becoming loved and desired by millions of people. And life should have as many multi dimensional experiences of itself as it can. None of this is wrong. It’s fascinating that it’s even happening at all, but the character having this experience is a dream. It is not who you are: a male or female by the name of Kate or John who lives in the United States and works as a post master or writer and hangs out with these cool types of people and has 87 years to live: It’s all complete and total bull shit. It’s the biggest illusion.

You do not exist. Who are you?

Are you thoughts, memories or sensations? Or are you happening in thoughts, memories and sensations? Are you happening everywhere? The point I am making is that looking, hearing and tasting, repulsion and desire, sunlight and rain drops, the conversation or the lights flickering in the hallway is not happening to you, or even in you. You are happening in them. Because you are everything and everything is you.

This isn’t intellectual. This shouldn’t and can’t make sense. This is the most absurd, ridiculous reality, it’s so self-evident and because of that is why it remains so well hidden. To hear this message, to wake up to what is being pointed to is ecstatic. Once this is heard, you cannot leave this. This is IT!

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