There’s nothing more addictive than the chase…the getting. Yet, there’s never any real satisfaction in it. Getting the approval, fulfilling the desire, moving into the perfect house, finding the spouse. What is it that is seeking? What is it that is suffering? There are plenty of schools of thought focused on the getting. How to make it. How to be a better person. How to manifest a million dollars. How to reach enlightenment. How to fix the disorder. How to improve the feelings. An endless sea of getting.
That which is interested in the truth, will get nothing. NO-THING. If you are asking about the truth, fear not – you will have the answer. However, the answer may not necessarily be what you bargained for. The answer is the taking off of the filter. This has nothing to do with “psychic powers” or “making it”. No. This is groundless, infinite emptiness. Yet, these are just descriptive words. What will reveal itself to you has no beginning or end, no top or bottom, it is neither horizontal or linear, black or white. It is not a feeling, a thought, or even an experience. Experience and everything else is appearing in it.
If you’re interested in “how to heal yourself”, “how to develop psychic powers”, “how to feel more positive emotions”, “how to find your life purpose” – this blog is not for you. You will not find those answers here. What I attempt to point you towards is a self-inquiry into what you truly are. The very truth, the very essence of your being. I attempt to try and point you towards something that was here and will be here after and before everything. It is formless, yet it is form. Why does this matter? The truth, your very being, seems to be a matter of interest if you ask me. It matters in so much as this self inquiry may ultimately guide you into a place without seeking, into a knowing of your very essence. This is worth the inquiry if one is interested in their true nature.
This inquiry is a pulverization of reality. You cannot arrive here without burning away. Yet, that which hears this and wants that which it believes is enlightenment isn’t really interested in enlightenment. It’s interested in having another day of seeking. Just stop. Stop. See what’s really here. Underneath THIS. Just see it. Right here. HERE. HERE. HERE. Look beneath the words, the concepts, the feelings. Just stop and look. That’s all it takes.
Everything you’re attracted to is already in you.
Everything you are repulsed by is already in you.
All things elicit feelings.
Those feelings are appearances in you.
Rising and falling.
Impulsiveness, fascination, appreciation, determination, rebellion, delight, intrigue, abomination, diminishment, terror, agony, heartbreak, torment and sorrow are in you.
These feelings were never yours. They never belonged to you. They exist, not because of you. You did not create them. They are just happening. The same goes for thoughts. Both are just a functioning. It is not who you are.
They appear in perfect freedom, they are happening unbound. They are no different from the sunlight appearing, or the hummingbirds drinking flowers. Appearing and disappearing in perfect stillness.
This is total innocence. This is a love beyond love. The depth of life knowing itself like this is complete infinity.
We’ve held on to an image of perfection, love, forgiveness and peace because that is what is socially acceptable. We made that which doesn’t fit that image wrong, bad and unacceptable. Because of this suppression – the shutting out of how this moment is expressing itself like jealousy, alienation, depression we’ve subconsciously become angry and maybe even full of hatred. We’ve distanced ourselves from the very thing that is God – which is this moment, just as it is. By seeking for an expression of it that is tame, socially acceptable, likable, pretty we’ve lost the very essence of life. The ultimate path to THIS, this moment, is total transparency: “I fucking hate you”, “This is so painful”, “I’m angry”. Without letting these things come up we’re living a lie. We’re sitting behind a veil continually punishing ourselves for not being a pristine illusion.
Through our rejection, we’re actually moving farther and farther away from the source of this expression. Ultimately, nobody ever did anything to hurt you. All of life had to happen for that single moment of that person “hurting you” to occur. But you suffer because you’re not free in your pain, in your reactions to life. You’ve caged your anger, hatred and disgust inside a socially acceptable bubble to stay confined in an image of the “nice” and “lovable” person.
This is about complete freedom to be what is being done. This is the liberation and ironically the return to our perfect still source.
It’s a beautiful morning and I’m standing in line at the juice bar. The young lady before me picked up her green drink and right as she’s about to walk away with it, it slips from her fingers and falls to the ground splattering all over the floor. She’s upset, humiliated and completely apologetic. I think she kept uttering “I’m sorry” for the next 5 minutes. The fellow working couldn’t care less. He felt bad, because she felt bad. I’m standing there thinking, “So what?!” When the guy remade her drink, she had her boyfriend hold it and refused to walk out with it.
This is a classic example of how our sense of “self” plays itself out. This sense of self cannot and will not ever accept it’s imperfection, ever trying to find it’s ideal. In it’s incompletion, it distances itself from the truth not willing to accept that it will never be that which it thinks it is, because what it is has nothing to do with thought.
Many times in non-duality people get caught in one of the three layers of what non-duality is referencing:
The First Level of Non-Duality
Nothing ever happened. There is only emptiness, everything belongs to this emptiness. Everything is in a continual and perpetual state of loss, back to it’s source which is complete stillness.
The Second Level of Non-Duality
Everything is love, happening as love, to love and because of love. There is an intimacy in oneness, an intimacy beyond what can be described as intimate. Since everything is ONE life, there could never be a wrongdoer and a right doer.
The Third Level Of Non-Duality
The human experience, the actual playing out of separation. With the knowing that one is divine, one still experiences and accepts fully and completely every aspect of their humanness, every flaw and imperfection.
Many non-dualists and buddhists prefer to use non duality to shut down their actual feelings of separation, not realizing that while they are awake, they are not necessarily liberated and that this liberation cannot ever be gotten to, as it is not attainable for an energy focused on attainment. Often times the spiritual community prefers to focus on the love level. This helps them to escape the flaws and the imperfection of the human experience. They do yoga, pray and meditate to become calmer, happier human beings chasing everlasting idealism, which is not attainable because it doesn’t exist. It is only imagined. Others stay in the human realm of separation and play out a multitude of conditioned functions. One of which may be shame, or guilt or of course fear.
I point to all three layers in this post, as they are not seperate. They are happening simultaneously. In seeking, even in the non dual community, it is easy to get lost here and loose what is being pointed to which is THIS. For persons deeply in the role of the seeker, to provide a teaching or a practice and a philosophy is to feed the seeker. And the seeker will want to seek, no matter what kind of truth shines for them. That which is seeking, will never want to stop the search, as it is the search itself.
Non-duality isn’t saying don’t be a better, kinder more loving person. Non duality has no recipe for anything. Non duality points only to THIS, it is ever and only pointing to THIS. The freedom of what is.
All suffering comes from wishing for something other than what is. What is, is that which is always being sought, but it’s too simple, too ordinary to be recognized. What is can never be got out of. That is why the energy suffers. What is, is the stillness behind what is writing these words, yet it is simultaneously that which is reading and writing them. Everything is happening and not happening at the same time. The happening is covering up the stillness, yet the stillness is causing the happening. This cannot be understood, this has absolutely nothing to do with a mental understanding of things, this can’t be thought into, because this is not thought, thought is just appearing in it.
Most people are using these words to cover up the stillness and their non-existence. The idea of sitting still, as nothing, with nothing is not pleasurable. They will have to be with their own death. Yet their death is the love. Going beyond the thought of a “you” is what is being sought. In this, there is no pleasure or pain, yet pleasure and pain are appearing. I’m not saying to not look for this and not to seek, this is the same as saying to seek. This is about whatever is happening, whatever is, whatever is appearing regardless of if it’s seeking or not.
Most times this feels like watching a movie. Occasionally, the energy will identify and then collapse back into stillness. But there isn’t an “I” doing these things, facilitating this collapse – it’s just happening, like the sunlight and the wind. In it’s desperate search to eradicate itself, which it can never do because it doesn’t exist, the “I” desperately seeks for it’s home. It’s like a dog chasing it’s tail, it will never make it home, because home is what it is, yet it is unaware of it’s true nature so it looks in the flow of things, in time in order to complete itself. In this search for completion are great measures towards seeking pleasure, which is mistook for happiness.
Happiness is the freedom of life just being as it is. This can be horrific. It can look like murder and rape, or it can be beautiful and look like friendship and success, but this is all ONE thing, ONE energy, ONE life doing this. Nobody is responsible for the appearances, nor is it possible to change, modify or control them. You have to be here. You have to be with what’s happening. But the thoughts will appear and drift in time, from past, to present and future. And the idea of an “I” getting something will arise and storyland will start. Yet, this is it. THIS.
The logical argument for the human is to say, “So, she’s saying there’s nothing I can do. I’m fucked.” No. This is pointing to stillness. This is saying there is no you. Or even better “She’s saying don’t do anything, just be a blob.” No. There is no you doing anything. “Oh, then I must try to be as present as possible, be here now, be here now.” No. There’s only this, whatever is happening is IT.
The sense of a seperate self exists in the chakric system. The more aware a body is of it’s physicality the clearer it can sense this separateness.
Each body’s sense of self is conditioned. This conditioning is most often not in alignment with how the body truly feels. For example: the body, societally, is told it must do certain things, whether that’s school, work or any other behavior or functioning. Through time, the body begins to naturalize that which is conditioned and inauthentic. The conditioning becomes an energetic mismatch to the body’s wisdom, the body’s desires, the body’s innate inner knowing of it’s own inner truth, its own nature.
The resulting sense of discomfort is energetically “trapped” within the chakric system. Each chakra is responsible for the authenticity of the body, for the body’s expression of its’ true nature.
The self is an illusion – it is an energetic sensation, an experience that life is having of itself. It is not seperate from life. It is life itself. As this sense of self claims and begins to identify with life, it develops this sense of an “I”. Through an “I” life is no longer experienced as an innocent beingness, a free and spontaneous aliveness. This “I” is now a seperate self that has to do many things, figure life out and achieve wholeness once again. Ultimately, since this “self” doesn’t really exist and is in fact a total illusion – it will never get there. It will never make it back to the wholeness or love that it already is, was and forever will be.
This conditioning could be seen as a blockage to self-realization. But once the body accepts it’s inner knowingness, it’s true nature, once aliveness wakes up in the body, it is seen that there could never be such a thing as a separateness.
None-the-less, the purpose of this post is to explain how the seperate self functions, in hopes of spotlighting it, not as a blockage, but rather as an appearance arising in the love that is everything.
What About My Body?
The awareness in the body is life. Everything that is being experienced seemingly through a localized consciousness, the awareness, the aliveness, the sense of separateness is utterly and fully complete. The body knows this and so it looks for it’s own completion as long as it is identified as a separateness. Because of this knowing, seeking is inevitable. This can be spiritual seeking or a seeking to fix thoughts, feelings and sensations of separateness.
The body, because of it’s wholeness, senses Truth. Awareness of the body’s sensations is a direct awareness of God or aliveness. This is apparent in meditation, yoga or any mindfulness practice. Once the person is awake, this sensation is all there is. It is not local any longer, it is like an explosion from inside of the body to everywhere. The sense of a seperate self is gone. Through time, conditioning may or may not fall away, but this has nothing to do with what is, was and always will be here – which is awareness, pure love.
A sensation will arise out of nothingness, out of aliveness and arise as an experience in the body. As the sensation becomes the experience it will register in the sense of self.
The sensation will arise within the 7 chakric centers, which are:
Root Chakra: The root chakra is the energy center responsible for our humanness, for the physical world. This chakra spotlights any issues of physical security, safety, being provided for and feeling comfortable in the physical world. Emotional and physical sensations related to these earthly, physical issues can be experienced in this chakra. Any issues relating to the anus, or excretory organs are an imbalance in this chakra.
Sex Chakra: This is the chakra of ideas, creativity, urges. What is illuminated in the sex chakra is work, any creation cycle, art, urges and any and all desires such as desiring a person, wanting to write a poem, wanting to make a cake etc. Any blockages in this chakra usually correspond to a non-creative experience. If this chakra is not active, creation is also not active. Any issues related to ones sexuality or sexual organs can be found in these chakra blockages.
Navel Chakra: This chakra is associated with decision making, will, trust, self-doubt, fear etc. This chakra is ultimately responsible for taking action and making decisions that support the ideas and creativity of the sex chakra. When balanced, a person has a strong sense of what they want. Physical imbalances can be traced to any issues in the digestive system, intestinal system, kidney’s or liver.
Heart Chakra: The heart chakra is responsible for how connected we feel to life. Imbalances can immediately be detected in relationships and in self talk. Feelings of wanting to hide or withhold love, depression and a generally melancholic or depressive ambiance are a result of “shutting down” the love that is apparent in everything, in all of life. Imbalances in this chakra can be seen with any heart or lung issues.
Throat Chakra: This chakra can be felt by the tone of voice. The more “fake”, strained or imbalanced the tone is the more imbalanced the chakra. Other imbalances can be reflected in a lack of communication and articulacy, being at a “loss for words” or generally saying that which does’t feel true – whether that’s lying or not speaking ones truth up front. Imbalances can arise as sensations such as having “a frog stuck in the throat” and arise when one is not living in alignment with one’s inner knowing or Truth. Physical imbalances are thyroid problems, throat issues, tooth, gums etc.
Third Eye Chakra: This is a chakra related to ones “buddhahood”. The more active the seperate self is the more closed off the awakeness is. Awakeness refers to awareness. The ability to perceive, sense and feel what is truly, at the heart of the matter, happening. Blockages in this chakra typically result in sinus and vision problems.
Crown Chakra: The crown chakra is responsible for inner-knowing. This is the chakra most often associated with self-realization and the dissolution of identification with the separation of the sense of an “I”. Sensations of the crown chakra are complete stillness and a love that feels like it is everywhere rather than localized in the physical body. Blockages in this chakra are compulsive spiritual seeking, brain disorders, obsessive thinking and negativity.
The degree to which the sense of a seperate self is felt is determined by the blockages in the chakras. One may go ahead and explore these balances and imbalances to discern how identified they actually are. However, the energy that decides to explode and dissolve this separation is not the energy that is seeking to do so. It is the all-knowing, the all-seeing, nothingness or love that reveals in timelessness the Truth. This cannot be found, this can only be experienced.
The Light Up Your Chakras class that I teach on this website is based on Kundalini Yoga. It may or may not have been responsible for my body’s recognition of Truth. While it was a part of one of many awakenings, within it is information that was responsible for my journey. This is neither here nor there. The course is aimed at illuminating what separation looks like, what it does and how it is causing suffering. Whether or not separateness dissolves is something no one knows and no one can do. The Truth either wakes up or it doesn’t, but a consistent energy practice can greatly aid and balance the seperate self.
The human only knows its sense of self through comparison. It sees itself in relationship to what others are, what others have, what others are doing. It believes it’s superior or inferior, because it looks at other formations as having a better or worse experience than it, itself is having. Everything it does is to get to an imaginary destination in time, a place that is always better than here and now. Here and now is never good enough. Everything it sees and experiences is seen through the perspective of an “I” it is this sense of self that claims these experiences and observations as part of “my story”. This story and resulting sense of self has grown so strong in humans that it’s an energy, a feeling of separateness, an actual experience.
This energy believes that when it gets what it wants it will be whole again, so it designs everything it does around becoming complete. When the human listens to music, rides a bike, does a spiritual practice, engages in work, meets with friends, does drugs and drinks, has sex or does any number of things their sense of self disappears momentarily. The thoughts about figuring life out and where to get to subside. In this, the human catches a glimpse of it’s true identity, of love. It then continues to look for fulfillment and meaning in doing things, getting somewhere, while the whole time that which it was seeking was always its own disappearance. It was never that you felt love while making art, or love or working, it was that you were making art and you disappeared, so all there was left was love.
Everything the human does is to make itself disappear, in order to feel whole again. But this is a dead end. You can never complete yourself when you “get there” or “make it”, because you were already complete and your wholeness was always there, in what was happening. Very few people can say they’re in love with their life just as it is, that they’re not trying to “get somewhere”. Most people are so driven to give their life meaning, secure their soul mate, move up the ladder towards more money, success and power that the present moment, the love in what’s happening, completely eludes them. In their search for happiness, in their search for wholeness, they resist anything that makes them feel seperate. It is in this endless cycle of chasing pleasure and avoiding pain that humanity has set up it’s existence.
There is nothing wrong with this. This is what’s happening. But you are not experiencing this. You don’t exist. Life is experiencing you and this is just another experience life is having. You are just a thought arising out of nothing. This thought is now an energy. But it’s no different than dust. You are a complete illusion. That which animates you is everything, all of life, which is love. And everything that is being witnessed is seen, heard and experienced as all of life. This is where the line of wrongdoing blurs, the desire to acquire and gain or hold onto any form dissolves. That which is awake and aware of its true identity is pure and complete love, and this love is that which everything stems from. All of life is in a grand love affair with itself. There is an intimacy beyond intimacy in this. It can not be seen, or put into words. It’s neti, neti, neti: not this, or this or this. If you can see it, it’s not you! This cannot be seen.
You cannot make yourself awaken. Nothing you do will get you there. You can continue to practice spirituality, participate in pleasure and heal physical, mental and emotional ailments with various modalities. And these are good things to do, they will make you feel better. But you won’t awaken. You are already awake. Some humans give the appearance of an “enlightened human”, and thus others want what those humans have. But all we can ever see or feel is the apparent sense of “self” someone has. In some humans this sense of self is stronger than in others, but what determines that expression, that sense, is nothingness. The aliveness and awareness, the love, was, is and always be everything that’s happening. You can try to “be present” and practice mindfulness and loosen your imagined sense of self by becoming “less ego” more peaceful, kind and loving, but this won’t get you there. Nothingness decides what is done, and that which thinks it’s choosing to awaken is just a thought, an appearance that fades and transforms like a raindrop, or a leaf falling. That which is reading these words, is the same thing that is writing them. This is the love. This is the freedom. In not getting there, you arrive.
As I hiked one of my favorite trails in east county yesterday, I found myself totally in “zen” mode amidst the pine trees, boulders, sweeping desert views, pretty butterflies, cool insects and… (I could go on!) I was the only one on the trail and merged completely with my nice experience.
Then the thoughts about life appeared: “What was my next goal to set?” “How could I fix my life?” “What is it that I REALLY want?” As I watched the thoughts, which by no means were coming from an unhappy nature but out of the desire and curiosity for the mere possibilities in my life, I stopped.
Who would fix my life? Who would make it to the next goal? Who was doing the wanting? Let’s say I figured out my next to-do item, got clear on the actions that would improve my life, then what? Then I would still end up on this beautiful trail immersed in it’s beauty, complete with nothing. Or maybe I would be in the midst of my next corporate meeting looking at my watch, or in a passionate embrace with my lover, or writing marketing copy for endless hours, then what? Who would be doing those things? Or wanting other things?
The you that is experiencing life and believes itself to be the chooser or the dooer is just another experience of the true experiencer. This you that has something to do and somewhere to get to, is not that which is desiring, watching, thinking, listening or feeling. All of life is doing this. Life is that which is have an experience of a you. The you that is immersed in the perspective of trying to figure life out, is a you that is not conscious of it’s true identity. This is why you can never make yourself awaken, you aren’t that which awakens, you are the awakeness itself. Where this energy focuses and how it expresses has nothing to do with you, you are a complete illusion. You never existed, you are not having an experience of life. How could you? Did you create the seeing, the listening, the thinking, the functioning of digestion and neurochemistry, the depth of emotion, the ability to love?
Can you even begin to scratch the surface of the beauty of this message? If you don’t exist, then life is that which is desiring, choosing and doing. This means that you could never set or meet your next goal, fix, modify or change your current experience. To do so is complete insanity. You are not desiring, you are the desire, you cannot choose, you are the choice itself, you could never do anything, you are that which is doing. Can you go into a void like this? Can you loose yourself completely until you dissipate into the vast sea of awakeness? Can the life that you are be still enough to awaken to itself?
The seeker energy cannot comprehend it’s death. It will always claim, attempt to fix and identify with the thoughts it’s having. And I’m not saying not to do this. How could I say this and how could you stop doing it? This is what’s being done. This is life choosing this experience of separateness. But nothing changes in either experience. What’s true will always be true and that which is seeking for the truth can never find it because the truth is what it, itself, is. To look for oneself is to completely loose the point of this message.
We define so much of who we are by what we do: what our plans are, our job, how we make money. There is so much mental energy exerted into this. Doing has become the focal point of our collective society. Who would we be without the doing? Lazy, bored, useless? The human believes that in doing it can be validated. There’s nothing wrong with working, but what you do is not who you are.
When the sense of self-arises from what we do we become stuck in the belief that the more we do, the more important, valuable and lovable we are. Our bosses, clients,paychecks and material possessions become a checkpoint that defines whether we’re worthy. In this, we build a story land to preserve this false sense of self – our sense of being a productive, being a functional member of society, being someone that’s ‘got it together’. Now we’ve gotten approval, now we’re safe.
Life never needed approval. It never needed you to do anything or to be anything. In fact, life was always what was doing, that which was being done. The idea of a you appeared to attempt to fulfill it’s illusion of separation – it’s sense of not being enough. This sense of a seperate self was only ever an appearance, a single expression of a vast sea of consciousness.
This “you” only knows how to acquire and claim. It sees life through the thoughts that appear around what’s happening. It claims these thoughts into a sense of an “I”. The whole time that which is truly watching and listening is an awareness, a complete and total stillness. A presence that never needed the story for anything – the story of a you, of what you do and how you do it and where you’re going. This awareness, once awake and aware of itself, has no preferences for what’s being done – for what happens. Anything that’s happening is no different than anything else. The sounds, the feelings, the sensations, the changing images, the smells – this is it. This is all that ever happened and this is the miracle.
True freedom only exists in presence and this presence is full of a love, in which loneliness and fear cannot dwell in. In true presence YOU disappear, because truly being in presence means to recognize the stillness, the perfection, the love and the intimacy of the sadness or of anything that is happening. It means to see interconnectedness. How can one ever, ever be lonely? Only thought is lonely, because thought is seperate from presence. Only thought can be sad or disappointed.
To be alive and to be truly free is to fully integrate into the space which you are, are made of and a part of. It means to be present so fully and so completely that one disappears into ONE. It is to recognize that the space is always there, even in your loneliness, stucknesss, sadness and depression. The recognition of this space lives behind the focus on thoughts, behind your story. It is deeper, more real than your story. It as the power to completely break through and dissolve your story, or any illusions, even the illusion that you exist. This is always the truth that love is. And behind these pretty words is an aliveness, a living, breathing experience of love that is consciously present for itself, fully, completely. It needs nothing from itself – it is totally, fully and eternally complete in and of everything. This recognition goes beyond form, beyond thoughts, beyond feelings and even beyond experience—which is fleeting and changes. This is a knowing that is so complete that it can only pull back into itself whatever it is that’s wandering off into story land, into illusion.
It’s a black hole or an all consuming white light. it’s ONE life, one truth, one love. It’s THIS. This moment, this room, this sound, this thought, this feeling. And it’s always, always, alway changing – gone – gone -gone! All of it is gone, like these words, now gone. There’s love here. Always, in everything. Only one who knows this with their whole, entire, heart, spirit and being lives through the heart and being of the universe. Everything it’s doing, everything you are belongs to this love – this eternal Truth – that if truly realized illicits gratitude deeper than words. It’s always perfect, because life never left perfection – your thoughts did, but you did not. That which you are doesn’t move or change, it’s just having an experience of itself, of it’s thoughts, of it’s body, of life.
There’s only love, which is stillness, the space beyond thought, presence, union, gratitude, acceptance. This is the freedom. This is it. It’s never anything beyond the space. To chase the forms in it, is to be unaware of what you are. What you are is NOT what’s chasing the forms. That’s an appearance arising in you. There’s so much love in this, in everything. The best part is, it was always there, it was always you. You never left love, because you can’t leave what you are. All that ever happened was experiences that arose and you mistook what you are for the experience.
What life is doing may appear painful, but all it’s doing is expressing what it is which is love. However, the experience of pain, of fear is so full on that we mistake reality for a fleeting experience and we live in and build upon an illusion. To wake up to this is to let everything live in love just as it is – without moving upstream from the current of life.