Round and Around

silenceThe worry about not getting what you want, the fear about not being good enough, the constriction of holding on too tight, the immense struggle to get somewhere may appear. However, it is not appearing for anyone. The energy which thinks it’s experiencing this suffering does not exist, it is also just an appearance. This isn’t a rejection. Nor is it a suppression or omission. It is just the description of what’s really, truly happening which is discomfort in the body-mind mechanism. It’s possible for the body and the mind to experience ease, relaxation.

There are a number of modalities and techniques that can help the person to find peace, feelings of love, connectedness, abundance etc. In fact, it’s encouraged that the person live authentically to experience the health, vitality and pleasure that is possible in the experience. It’s a good idea for a person to improve their standard of living, develop positive relationships and cultivate a positive mindset. Life can be much more manageable, pleasant, easy. But, that energy that is seeking to experience the next wonderful experience, the next peace of mind and the next best case scenario is not who you are.

To believe that you are someone who lives in time, who has an allotted amount of years, who is always getting somewhere is to completely loose sight of what’s really happening and who you really are. It’s to live in an illusion. That energy that is trying to figure life out, the energy that you think you are, is just an appearance. Who is watching this energy? Who is listening to it? Who is really deciding what happens? Everything. Everything is watching itself happen, everything is listening to itself, everything is deciding. To believe that you made the choice, that you found what you were looking for, that you know where you’re going is a total lie. All of life made the choice, life isn’t looking for anything, life isn’t really moving, life is creating movement.

There is much room for the acquisition of these words and for their caging. The person will want to create a concept out of this, a recipe for life, the person will want to gain something here. What I am pointing to has nothing to do with thoughts and it can not be accessed with thoughts. In fact, this is about loss. This is about loosing everything you think you know. This is about dissolving. For most body-mind mechanisms the sense of self is so incredibly strong that the space in which this perception is appearing is completely missed and forgotten. What I am referring to is the space between your thoughts, the moment before an exhale or inhale, the sound of birds, the temperature of the tea, the cool air in the room, the hot water on skin, the thoughts about making lunch, the touch of another body.

I am referring to complete and total stillness in which life is happening HERE, NOW. But there is NO now. If there’s a now then there’s a not now. All that is, is always whatever is appearing, even if it’s seeking. This isn’t even about what’s happening or appearing this is about who is watching what’s happening. Who are you?

You Are Everything

stillYou are whatever is being experienced. You are everything that is happening. Whatever it is that’s happening is happening in completeness, which is what you are. This completeness is a presence. It is this witnessing presence that is experiencing and having an experience of itself.

Anything that appears as seperate from you, will always feel like a contraction in the body. The recognition of the oneness within and as all things, is relaxing. But neither of these feelings has anything to do with what is truly, at the heart of the matter, happening – which is complete stillness.

That which is transient, the desires, the feelings, the thoughts, the experiences, the images is constantly changing. To attempt to look for completion in any of these things is to get lost in separation. What I am referencing is the stillness in which all those things are happening. This stillness is so receptive and open to life. It knows itself so completely it has no desire to seek for anything other than what is, no matter what is.

After awakening, you will NOT experience anything differently and you will not change. However, how you relate to experiences and to yourself does seem to shift. Within this shift is witnessing a bottomless pit. It feels like watching water cupped in the palm of your hands. Everything that you try to hold on to, whether it’s a feeling, a thought or an experience slips away and begins to dissolve. Nothing is appearing solid anymore. Within this one experiences life at such an extreme intimacy, that even the pain that is felt, or anger, or stress and frustration is completely full on and intense. But then it immediately slips away. This is where freedom becomes more and more apparent.

The freedom is and only could be in the making love to the present experience. This doesn’t mean feeling pleasure. This means feeling the intimacy of the pain, the noise, the suffering, the sense of separation, then watching as it dissolves. To interpret this message as a recipe to awaken is to completely miss the point I am making. It is in the reading, the light, my fingers stroking the keyboard. This is all awareness knowing itself in utter completion and stillness.

When I finish this blog post, my mind will focus on the car purchase I need to make and I will have overwhelming thoughts about it, I will be annoyed if there’s a mess on the carpet downstairs, I will feel a little bit of anxiety before my next business meeting. But this will all be complete. I will not attempt to change my stress, or the fact that I like order, or that I get anxiety sometimes. This is IT. This is life doing this in me. All I can do is be what is being done.

Falling Through

sunsetThere’s so much pleasure in spirituality. In believing one can change what is. This is so extremely addicting that for many people they will spend their whole lives seeking and never make it into what’s really happening, into seeing things as they really are. This seeking also makes it extremely easy to cover up what’s happening or being felt as suffering. So what’s really appearing is never really recognized. The whole path of figuring life out and attempting to change it through things like the law of attraction, prayer, ritual, mind treatments and any number of concepts is so addicting. One will sometimes get what they’re after and be tricked into believing that their concept worked, that they were actually able to change what was happening. While the whole time what was truly happening is missed.

The seeker can only claim and acquire. And it can be extremely addicting – the “getting it” like sonic and video game coins, one after another to make it to another level to finish the game of life on top, as a winner of freedom, peace and love. It’s a complete illusion. God is a complete illusion. This message hurts the seeker; repulses them. Humanity has been trained and programed into authority, and the energy which appears as separate is a shoe in for a conceptual God, a higher power. It believes that something called God, which they can use, will make them feel super good and super complete. This God will supposedly save one from themselves and bring one home. This is a God that lives in the separate self.

The true home is always in what’s happening. To attempt to cover up the truth in what’s happening with prayers or hope for a better outcome is to use “God” to try to control life into giving you more pleasure. I’m NOT saying any of this is wrong. I’m simply pointing to something that doesn’t need to be controlled into being or figured out.

Spirituality is a total finger trap, an addiction to powerlessness. The separate self is always unworthy, not good enough. That is what it is – it’s separate from things as they really are. As long as one is operating from this focal point – one will always reach towards some concept to attain completion. The whole time, that which is complete, which is everything, never needed to do this. What’s most mind blowing is that absolutely everything is complete, even the seeking. Things as they are can only appear when the operating, navigating energy shifts from not knowing what it is, to knowing completely.

The only way one could have this realization is when the identification with the seeker dies. But there’s actually nothing one can do to make this happen, other than let life do and be what ever is being and doing. In this the seeker will collapse eventually. But the seeker hears this and tries to “let things be”. This is NOT talking about doing anything, because doing this is impossible, it can’t be done. It just happens. A collapse into everything that’s happening, just happens. Some people want to call this “being present” to life, to the lights flickering, the morning birds singing, the argument appearing, the colors in the sky fading, the love being made, the faculty of decision making happening, the floor creaking – but this is not talking about presence. Presence is appearing in it. If it can be figured out, it’s not it. This is beyond a figuring out.

In this everything appears as perfect, including that which is appearing as imperfect. So, simultaneously, along with the realization of true self, one has the realization of what everything is and that’s precisely why the desire to change, modify or judge what’s appearing begins to dissolve. The impossibility of this message is that the separate self can’t hear it. It will only try to claim it and use it as another vessel to attempt to change what is. None-the-less, either attraction or repulsion to what’s beyond these words will appear and whatever is happening is eternally perfect.

Things As They Really Are

birdThe separate self is the identification with thought. This self is not aware of things how they really are. Most sorrowfully, it does not recognize what it, itself, really is. The separate self is in constant struggle inside black and white. It wants to posses an answer; it wants to claim, control and cage whatever is happening because it does not realize that only One Life exists and that this life is free, unbound and happening to itself and by itself. This separate energy is not and cannot ever find peace. Thoughts about this, or about anything, can never give it peace, because this energy can only try to find peace in thought, which is separate. Peace, or love or freedom is what is happening beyond the thoughts about what is.

When the separate self dissolves – thought does not dissolve. Identification with thought dissolves. An incredible presence arises and this presence is the equivalent of the feeling of coming home to ones true home. It is the coming home to things as they really are. One of the most beautiful things about this experience is that, once one realizes what they really are, they simultaneously realize what everything is. This is the ULTIMATE purification.

Life reveals itself here as astoundingly pure. Everything also reveals itself as completely free. It is this freedom that is becoming aware of itself and actually falling in love with its own beauty. So much so, that it dissolves fully into love (or appreciation) and never suffers agin. Most incredible is that one meets themselves for the very first time, as they really are, which is love in love. TO meet yourself, to meet life, like this is to never, ever be afraid of pain again.

I am NOT writing about this to encourage anybody to have this experience or to even seek it. This is the complete opposite understanding of this message. This is being written about to possibly be heard by love itself, which lives in the presence and surrender to everything that’s happening just as it is. This is about love waking up. This is about love falling in love with itself. This is about coming home.

In and Out

in and outYou are not having an experience of consciousness, or awareness. Awareness is having an experience of you. This one life was always the one choosing, experiencing. To seek union is to still believe that you are a “you” and not life happening. This is about making a total shift. An inversion of what you believe yourself to be. This is about awareness completely and fully dissolving its identification as a “you.”

“You” cannot do this. You are just an experience. You do not exist. Only life happening exists. The “you” that is after self-realization, romance, wealth, material satisfaction; the you that is trying to figure out the drama of your life, will never, ever make it. You will never get there. You’ll never make it home. This is because this “you” energy, believes that it is incomplete or separate. This energy will never make it to peace, or to love. It is only peace and love that can make it, because only peace and love exists. This has absolutely nothing to do with you. This is about a “you” disappearing.

Most people will be too afraid to let go and die and will never have this deep of a level of awakening. They will feel feelings or think positive thoughts, chasing their pleasure and believing that that it is those feelings or thoughts that are it – that it is these feelings and these thoughts that are home. But they are just appearances, no different from the clouds or rain.

It is a complete and total void that is being sought. Utter emptiness. It was always the complete opposite of what you thought you were after. The seeker is looking for the fulfillment of life, but it is the seeker’s death that it was only ever after. It was total emptiness that would have brought you home to love and to peace. Most people are too afraid to let go, to stop seeking. The search for pleasure, the chase, the getting somewhere, looking for something, somewhere to get to keeps the person energy alive. On to the next thing, the next experience. And this whole time the love that’s appearing in the tea cup, the fly on the wall, the shifting of the light in the room – is missed.

The very energy of the seeker that the human believes itself to be is the suffering, the separateness. This separateness gives the appearance of seeking pleasure, but it is only ever seeking to die. It was never death that it was afraid of, it was the thoughts about itself. Once it dissolves – there is only life happening. It is ordinary. It is simple. It is empty. It’s everything.


The Presence of Cancer

togethernessIf you feel anything other than love – then you’re not being present. To be present is to be free of any sense of resistance. It is a feeling of contentment. Contentment is a sign that you’re on the right path – at the right time. We know we are content because the emotion we feel is positive. That which creates a positive emotion for the body is authenticity, or knowing what is right for yourself. All this means is that you know how you honestly feel about something – whether it’s circumstances, a situation, a person, a place or anything! The only way one can have this honesty, or authenticity is through absolute presence, which is cutivated through the desire of the life within you that is aching to know what it is. It is this ONE life that drives the human out of suffering, pain or resistance. It is this one life that decides the degree of presence within you. To read this message is to already begin the energy necessary for the development of presence. To notice how the light shines through the trees, how the birds sing, the tone of voice people carry or any number of things in life happening is the release of this energy. This presence is what determines the quality of every cell in the physical body, and it is this presence which ultimately decides on it’s own expression.

Cells attest to the oneness which I refer to when I reference the ONE life, or awareness. Cells are the ultimate oneness, knowing intimately in their memory how to express perfect harmony purely by existing. We are made of a network, a community of cells. Our tissues, functions and organs are composed of cells, which determine the information the physical body receives and experiences. Presence creates a cohesive universe of cell activity, in which communication and information is being exchanged quickly, efficiently and in perfect unison. When we are present, we become aware that we must breathe to increase oxygen which creates new cells and triggers neurons to activate the appropriate nerves. We simultaneously become aware of Love or nonresistance. These nerves then send information throughout the body and help us to detect disharmony faster and also help us to decide what to do in order to come back into perfect balance. Most fascinating is that this is all just happening, purely because of life’s will to exist.

This is not a blog post about biology. Rather, I am expressing how energy works. An individual that has within their body an activation of a corrupted cellular network has become a match to such a corruption because of one primary energy: self hatred. If this sounds rather harsh, I’m happy to describe it in a more digestible manner: lack of self-love, selfishness, rejection of emotions, victimhood. In sum, this is the non-recognition of the one life, one love, one presence on a deep enough level that it is registered in the cellular memory. In other words, the ultimate realization has not been transmuted into embodiment. I’m not going to give you a recipe and tell you what to do, because this is energy that works as itself and for itself and it determines where it goes. One cannot have free will, because one does not exist outside of the ONE life that is expressing itself. It is this life that chooses to be drawn to presence or not. Now – back to the cells. As I mentioned, cells are programed for harmony and community. If an energy that is opposed to this nature is operating through the human body, it will pull the harmonious energy into itself. Like a black hole. It is the “Me” energy, which is only manifested in the separate self which believes itself to be insufficient, victimized, unworthy and so forth. This “Me” energy is most likely taking from others obsessively or rejecting something within itself intensely. In presence separation dissolves.

Let me repeat this:


I’m referring to an arresting presence. One that registers in every cell in the body, until nothing is left but absolute unification with all of life.

The Thinker

InfiniteThere ever only was just life. There never was a “You” experiencing life, separately. This is either heard or it isn’t. Life either wakes up to this realization or it doesn’t. At the same time, life is already awake to this realization. It is just focused on having an experience of a “You” existing in time. Eventually, it is possible that this contracted energy of a “You” will collapse – gradually, or instantly, upon the realization of it’s true self. In Truth, waking up to this doesn’t really matter. It is the separate self that wants something other than what is, not realizing that what is, is it. Who is the thinker?

The answer is everything. Everything is expressing through the physical mind and body mechanism. The entire mechanism is made of intelligence, and intelligence is functioning through it as intelligence. This intelligence is everything, everywhere. It is also the thoughts that arise – seemingly out of nowhere, and nothing. Before I began to type this blog post, a thought arose to speak on this subject. It came out of nowhere and nothing, it was registered as a desire and the functioning of writing about it appeared, just as these words are appearing. This is a message about loss. The loss of the separate self that believes itself to be a “doer”, “thinker”, “decision-maker”. There is NOT, never was and never could be a separate “You” living life, making choices, having independent thoughts and living life. There was only ever life happening to itself and by itself.

An energetic shift moving into this collapse registers as a liberating feeling in the body, a sort of a homecoming back to it’s true self. It’s an experience of remembrance and also one of loss. The period of loss is congruent with love. The loss is actually completely irrelevant, outside of life happening. Whether or not you loose your sense of separateness, doesn’t really matter because the separateness is still complete and utter love appearing. The contraction can be called story land, or illusion. This feeling of being separate and life happening to you and not as you is actually a total illusion, it only feels like you’re alone. It’s a total story that you exist – that you made a choice, that you are responsible for yourself and for life. All of life is dreaming you up and you are all of life. To hear this message, one might want to get something, get somewhere, become enlightened, free, free of suffering. Pain will still happen here, but it will happen as all of life. Life happening to life and not pain happening to you. Suffering is the you. You are the suffering. To believe that you exist is to suffer.

Pleasure is no different than the pain. The human’s entire life is structured around maximizing pleasure and minimizing pain. But the minute one believes they’ve gotten something, they begin to suffer because the nature of life is in the going of things just as it is in the coming of things. The seeker dies here. There is no one looking to go anywhere and get anything anymore, there is just life happening. In the collapse, there is no need to do anything. I’m not talking about passivity or laziness, I’m talking about loss. I’m referring to the release of an energy that believes life is happening separate from itself. There’s no “why” here. “Why” can never be answered, other than “For love”. Life is happening because it can, because it is in love. The loss of the self is talking about intimacy. It’s referring to the loss of a “me” and a “you” it is referring to a total love affair, completely pure and blameless. This is a simple message. Who are you when you are not thinking? You are just life happening. The rain falling, the desire for a cup of tea arising, the friend calling, the bug in the room crawling, the plane overhead flying – it’s all it – life, just happening.

The Experience

free-selfThe person believes him or herself to be a separate individual with preferences, appearances, roles, thoughts, feelings and functions. They believe that they are going through life making choices, experiencing sensations based on their own separate actions, having relationships with other people as though they are relating to another body as a completely separate individual. This is false. None of this is true. This is the greatest illusion.

What the person thinks itself to be, is, in actuality just an experience. That which the person truly is, is that which is having an experience of a seemingly separate individual. This is no different than someone watching a movie on the screen, outside of the fact that the watcher is also that which is being watched. My intention is not to explain truth in a complex manner that is not relatable, but at the same time, these words cannot ever be truly heard by the separate person that thinks they exist. To think that you exist is to believe in a very limited expression of all of life. It is to identify with a story of a you existing in time, but that which I am referring to is completely and utterly timeless.

Life is everything that is happening – all the sounds, sensations, actions, feelings, thoughts, conversations. There is not a person experiencing this from a physical body as a separate self, but rather there is just life experiencing itself as all of life. In this unbound freedom in that which is happening, the person has an experience of their mind-body mechanism. They believe this experience to be who they are, but that which they believe is who they are, is actually just an experience arising within all of life, completely connected, a part of and not separate from everything that is. Even the potential of this person waking up to its true identity is a complete illusion, because that which is never went to sleep to itself. Life never lived in the illusion of a you, a separate self. The beauty in this is that if everything is you, as life is everything, life is completely free. It cannot be against itself. Only that which thinks its separate feels like it’s not enough, that it needs more money, more love, more peace, more beauty. How can life want more from itself, if it is everything?

How much more love can you have for yourself, upon the realization that you do not exist and that you are just an appearance? How incredibly beautiful, creative and unique life is to dream up something that exists as you. Life expressed you, it dreamt you up and gave you the experience of an illusion of separateness to experience something it could never, ever be – separate. This is so beautiful and so incredible, so extremely lovely. That which you truly are, which is all of life, is witnessing it’s own creativity, it’s own experience, it’s own possibilities. To wake up from this dream, is to become aware of life happening as everything in love.

Love is it. Love is completion. It is the final homecoming. It is the greatest peace and freedom. Nothing you ever do, no one you ever meet, no matter how beautiful you become, how self aware, how rich, how fulfilled, this will all be an illusion of the person, the separate self, the story thinking it’s made it.You don’t exist, so you will never make it. All you are is a thought, an experience appearing within love, as love. This is it. This. This moment. It’s so complete, so full. It’s missing nothing, but it’s also nothing. Our whole lives we’re searching for meaning, fulfillment, yet this love is constantly appearing as everything, in everything totally complete. It fulfills it’s own ideas, passions, desires. There is nothing that’s not it. Every desire you have is it. It’s complete. It’s already home. It never needed a “you” to do anything, to figure anything out. It always already was it.

I can’t explain this any more clearly, within the limitation that words give. If I can write about it, it’s not it. This cannot be caged in words, thoughts or feelings. This is not a philosophy or concept, or something that needs reasoning and intellectual understanding. I’m talking about something that is beneath your thoughts about this blog or your desire to “wake up”, I’m talking about complete loss. I’m referring to the collapse of an identity into all of life. There is nothing that could ever be more beautiful and more full of love than this experience.

Freedom and the Monkey

nicaraguaWhat is being sought, cannot be gotten. This is devastating news for the seeker. The seeker will not want to accept this. This is because that which the seeker is, is just a thought, existing in an illusion of time. You don’t actually exist. There is only existence. Nothingness appearing as everything.

Mostly everyone is fretting. They are worried about being left by their lovers and being alone, not living their dreams or fulfilling a meaningful life, not having enough money for their freedom. You’ll never make it. You’ll never get the freedom, the love and the peace that you’re after.

This is not a hopeless message. It is not pessimism. This is talking about death. This is talking about dissolution and loss. This is talking about the mystery of the creativity of life. The unknown. This is talking about something that can’t be gotten.

When we’re born, our parents give us a name. We then begin to explore our desires and our resistance. We develop preferences. We learn to communicate. We become socialized. We develop the concept of a self. Someone who has something to do, somewhere to get to, something to have. We design our whole lives around this identity. We cultivate ideas of being a good person, an entertaining person, a creative person, an intelligent person, a peaceful person, a loved person. Yet, universally the belief is that we are not enough.

This belief exists in everything, everyone that has ever developed the concept of a self, of someone existing in time. Someone that will live a certain amount of years, and must make their lives worthy. Someone that has something to prove. That they’re enough. Someone who must make life meaningful. Someone that must make the most of it. They try to fulfill a void to find completion, yet the whole time the real completion is the void.

The whole time – life was just existing. Free. It never needed you or your concept of self to be free. To the person, this realization might be devastating. “What!? I’m important. I’m valuable.” Life never needed to be legitimized, improved, justified. Life was always just happening inside of you. Free. You had no choice in this. Life chose this. It chose the seeing, the speaking, the expressing, the heart beating, the thoughts arising, the skin feeling, the blood coursing through the veins. It chose to express as you, for itself, just because it could. Because it is creative.

Yesterday, I walked over to the pool in a beautiful yoga resort, where my boyfriend and I are working in Nicaragua. There was a young lady there holding a dying, baby monkey. Her partner and her had gone for a walk and found it on the ground. She said they watched the baby loose consciousness and fall out of the tree. This is happening a lot out here because of the terrible drought we’re in. She was nursing this baby monkey with sugar water. It had a teeny heartbeat. It’s eyes would flutter open for just a moment, her tail was curled, her knees were bent, she wrapped her perfect human-like hands around the girl’s finger. She was dying. I watched it fainting, dying. Maybe it will live.

This monkey was consciousness existing in that particular form. I was watching life choose to drift away from it’s form. It was incredible to me that consciousness could be alive at all. Jumping in treetops, eating bananas, playing with her monkey friends. This was death happening to the human. But life, was watching life happen. Life has no preference where it goes or what it does. It can only experience excitement, sadness, life or death for the sake of existing. This is quite a beautiful message. What it’s saying is that life is happening. This happening is miraculous. It is the fulfillment, the freedom, the love, the peace that the separate self is seeking, it is just the pure recognition of what it truly is, not what it thinks itself to be – a human, or a monkey….that lives in time.

The Story

jumpMost people actually believe there’s something better than what’s happening. They believe they can be a more peaceful person, more supreme, more truthful, less angry, less anxious, less aggressive. This is why they practice spirituality. But the freedom is actually always in what’s happening. It’s in the anger, the discontent, the argument, the loss. To think that there’s somewhere better to get to, is to chase the pleasure, to attempt to give the mind somewhere to get to, something to do.

Any spiritual practice is only for the mind. The truth of who you are will never be affected by more yoga, more meditation, more truth, more love. It’s beyond the mind.

Love is everything that’s happening. The mind can either be aware of it or not, but the freedom is unchanging. To believe that you can get to some state of supreme consciousness, some destination where you’re a better person, more spiritual, more connected is a complete illusion. There will never be anything outside of the love in whatever is happening.

Life is happening to itself as pure and complete love. The emotions that arise and result in a displeasurable experience like a disagreement, might cause the person to feel uncomfortable with themselves. Most likely a story will start “We’re incompatible”, “He’s trying to control me”, “She’s an angry person” “He has so many issues”. This is a deflection of one’s experience onto another person, but this is also a negation of the love that’s appearing. If an emotion or desire arose that was displeasurable or caused displeasure and an undesirable circumstance, it is your belief in separateness that resists what is happening. In reality, love is always expressing itself as everything.

Love is always there, in the space and emptiness, the vast freedom of whatever is appearing. The formations arise within the person, within the circumstance, within the experience and the story turns it into suffering. But in and of itself it was expressed and it’s over. It’s the story that’s holding on to a victim, someone better and someone worse, “She doesn’t listen to me.”, “He hurt my feelings”, “She doesn’t get it”, “There’s got to be something better than this pain”, “We don’t belong together” and so forth. All that ever happened is a feeling arose, then the feeling was expressed and thoughts arose around the feeling creating a story. The story is the suffering. But that feeling, in itself was and is always pure love. And after it arises it’s gone, back into the nothingness from which it came.

The person wants to give what’s appearing meaning. It wants to fix what happened, justify it, understand it. But to the love that’s appearing, none of this will ever matter. Society has been conditioned that love is pleasure. But the truth is there is nothing outside of love. All of it is love. How can there be anything outside of life happening, life appearing?