In a way I wasn’t really prepared to know my true nature. I had been in spiritual practice for nearly a decade and desperately seeking God. I would have done anything to find him. And I mean that. From the deepest core of my being, I wanted only to know the truth. I would have given up everything I had for the answer. I spent endless nights crying tirelessly on my floor to God asking Him to come to me. There was a lot of suffering in my life. Mental despair. I never had a physical ailment to cause me discomfort, but I was tortured. By my parent’s expectations, by my own confusion, by my own seeking.
From Kundalini Yoga, to meditation, prayer, Ernest Holmes, the Bible, Eckhart Tolle, Neal Donald Walsch and other new age teachers I wanted to find the answer to my deepest question “What is God?” I was heavily involved in energy work like automatic journaling, tarot, crystals, chakra clearings, channeling and Kundalini. The experiences were blissful … and temporary. I thought if I could make them last forever, if I could stay in a continual state of pleasure and gratitude, if I could maintain the right persona for long enough, then I would make it. God would reveal itself to me. Or maybe if I activate all my psychic powers then I would have it all? Maybe that’s what would do it?
The only way to find out what you are is to find out what you’re not. In September of 2015, I watched a video from Wayne Wirs (who left this planet two months ago, as I’m writing this). He suggested that every time a thought arises – to throw it out. He said that we were not our thoughts. I had heard this a thousand times. I really had. This was the oldest teaching in the book. But I watched that video and something in me heard what he had said. I mean, I REALLY HEARD IT.
And so, for about five days, a period of extreme bliss started. I was silenced inside. All I could do was spend the days alone, in remote places. Near waterfalls, lagoons, I went on hikes and there was just silence. I would look at people passing me on the street and I was crushed. There was no “I” and “Them”. I was really gone. There was only love. I don’t desire to describe this any further. There have been too many people describing experiences and attempting to convey this. This is not what I want to do. I want you to find this out for yourself. And you will.
So, what did this all mean? What was I going to do with it? The mind still asks these questions. But the only question that ever mattered had already been answered: “Who Am I”?
And so, from this unfathomable mystery I write this. These words are meant for those who genuinely seek to know who they are and those who, too, have already heard the call.
I invite you to stop. Just push pause. Stop trying to get something, to go somewhere, to change life, to change your suffering. Completely stop. As you read this, go beyond the meaning of these words. Go into their silence.
Stopping is contrary to society. It is contrary to even the movement of the earth and the growth of trees. But I’m asking you to stop. You’ll notice you won’t be able to stop your thoughts. I’m not asking you to stop your thoughts. Underneath those thoughts is an even greater energy, beliefs. Somewhere among those beliefs is one belief, from which all the others arise. The belief that “you” exist. I’m not going to give you that whole “you’re not really here” non dual BS. Clearly, you’re here. But who you think you are is blocking you from really being here. I’m not asking you to stop your thoughts, I’m asking you to be willing to stop the idea of a YOU. Of someone who lives in time.
Many teachers focus on the negation of thoughts and have the student focus exclusively on awareness. You’ve heard the word “awareness” and now this is supposedly what you are, and you have to get back there somehow. To being awareness. Through yoga, meditation, practicing presence or some other way. You won’t ever make it. You won’t get there, because you can’t get something that you are. Moreover, awareness is a word. What you are is not a word, or a name, or a series of traits. What you are is a total mystery. And this is why non-dual teachers refer to “nothingness” or “death”.
Waking up to this is not some phenomena that is happening only to those worthy of it. Waking up is the most ordinary experience. In fact, it’s so ordinary that it is completely missed. Moreover, waking up doesn’t really happen. What appears is a glimpse of what was, is and always will be here. From this seeing, a more authentic life is had. A life without filters. A life without stories or lies. In fact, once this is seen all else disappears and only life is left.
Life. In all it’s horror, surprise and beauty. Pleasure and pain, light and darkness, stillness and movement, love and hate. But again, these are just words. What is beyond discomfort and comfort, resistance and acceptance? What is here, just beneath the surface? What is it that’s doing the listening, the speaking, the looking? A complete and total mystery. And so the only option, really, is to stop. All of this is appearing from a complete mystery, from a completely unknown source. It is arising and falling back into itself, back into nothing. Everything is in a perpetual state of loss. Loss is our nature. This experience of “seeing” is completely about Loss. And so: as you stop, you are lost.
Initially, this experience of the loss of oneself is a radical and confusing one. If you try to discuss it with friends and family, they most likely won’t get it. Moreover, there are many non-dual teachers who will try to help you make sense of what you’ve seen. After the initial bliss fades, listening to Satsang or non-duality will be pleasurable and will likely give the imagined “you” some sense of comfort, safety and validation. However, eventually, that which has been revealed through a complete act of grace, will want only for itself. This is typically an awkward period, when one will loose interest in people, environments, hobbies, work and maybe even food. In fact, Ramana Maharshi, one of the greatest non-dual teachers of all time was so awake that he was found in a cave being eaten by insects. Most interests will completely fade. One reasoning for this, is that the person or the body mechanism has spent so many years acquiring identity that it no longer desires for that which it has been identified by. One of Ramana’s greatest teachings is that once the object is seen as the subject, that relationship can no longer exist, for the seer and the seen are one. The collapse of the personal identity, is in and of itself a terrifying experience. The energy of the personal self will try to hold on as long as it can to itself, but a complete collapse is inevitable, for the experience of “seeing” , once begun, can only lead in one direction. Through time, the mind looses more and more of its energy and the space between thoughts becomes more and more. This phase can last for various periods of time, depending on how deeply rooted and conditioned the person is. The more the mind and body mechanism has to iron out, the longer the process takes to “register”. This is all a part of an experience and by this time, the energy knows itself well enough to continue through without hesitance. However, anything is possible and anything can happen so – just go with it!